Mythbusters: Percy Jackson edition
by Theleafylord
Summary: Percy has to explain his heroic life to a creche.


**Dance like people aren't watching**

"Well Zeus…" said the half man half chopped up titan bits Luke. "Are you ready to give up?"

"Never! Well shall never surrender to your tyranny!" yelled Zeus. Poseidon and Hades stood at his back, holding their assorted weapons.

The assembled half bloods, or tools as we should be affectionately known as, stared. What would come of this, they wondered. Who would win this epic battle of father verus sons?

"Yeah! And we won't let you ground us again!" said Poseidon angrily, dripping teenage angst.

Wait…whut?

"What's going on here?" I yelled angrily.

"It's simple Percy…or maybe they should tell you exactly what they've done!" yelled Kronos.

Hades hung his head ashamedly. "We…sortabustedhiscarwhenwewereyoung." he said in one breath.

"Whut?" I repeated, seeing as that it's very hard to make it out when the letters are all jumbled together like that.

Poseidon took a deep breath. "See…Percy…we kind of had to destroy the car. To hide the evidence. Of our massive orgy."

"With our sisters." added Zeus.

"Damn right!" yelled Kronos. "So I did what any reasonable parent would do, and ate them!"

"But…the myth goes that you…um…there was a prophecy…and…" Annebeth muttered, not really adding to the conversation at ALL.

"Look….the priests added that shit to make us sound less stupid so people would worship us." said Kronos. "What the hell do you expect of a family that has this much incest in it?"

"But…" began Annabeth, but I got her off.

"Why couldn't you eat Zeus, you FIEND!" I yelled, just to get rid of some teenage angst.

"He had zits." said Kronos dismissively.

"Well…um…would things be okay if we could you a new car dad?" asked Hades.

"How could there even be a car back then-" started Annabeth, in her uninteresting rant. Honestly, if I wanted "Intellectual stimulation" I'd have sex with a book or something.

"So…instead of taking your punishment like men, you kicked me in the nads, hit me in the face with a rake, forced syrup of ipecac into my throat, triggering the gag reflex, letting your brothers and sisters out, and then chopping me into a million pieces and throwing the pieces into the darkest pit imaginable?"

" And then you had the god damn gall to not even drop Father day's cards in the hole?" said Kronos.

"I tried!" said Hades. "But those damn monster kept eating them!"

"Oh…" said Kronos/Luke, and I realized this honestly hadn't occurred to him.  
Well…that all right then. Carry on." And with that, he walked straight off Olympus, and straight to a General Motors dealer, seeing as we should all buy American cars to stimulate our dying economy. Vigorously.

" Did we win?" asked Dionysus uninterestedly.

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"Dad…" said my son, Percival Ruduloph Suddenly Jackson. "That didn't really happen right?"

"Look at it this way…" I said, regretting the fact that I was drunk when I made him. "The gods are retards with lightning bolts. Mocking them is like walking into a cannibal village, while tenderizing yourself."

"But…all the myths…" said Clarrise' daughter. "Are none of them true?"

"Well…no. They're mostly based on the things the Gods did though." I said, regretting my decision to wear the fingerless gloves. For the advanced reader, I shall now give a brief description on how I look. I'm wearing a big jacket and fingerless gloves. For some reason, the matrix really spoke to me.

"The story of the golden fleece?" asked a random boy in the back of the crèche.

"Hades decided to shave Zeus legs and stick it to his eyebrows. However, he under estimated the volume, and the fleece is what used to be Zeus leg hair." I quipped promptly and truthfully.

"The origin of the Minotaur?" asked another random blotch(small child.)

"Poseidon kept pressing the queen against a bull yelling "breed, breed!" the child miraculously formed nearby, using a nearby milk jug as a womb." I retorted.

"The labyrinth?" asked a freakish waste of carbon and several other elements(slightly larger child, I think it might have been my son.)

"Daedalus wrote "neither" over the push sign of a door. The gods were severely confused and got never figure out how he navigated through his house, which had only one hallway." I stated, facts dripping off my tongue.

"The tasks off Hercules?" asked a being.

"Just a very long game where he kept picking "dare."" Man, these kids have been brainwashed.

"The battle for Troy?" asked the head librarian, who was probably a regular mortal, thinking I was making this up as I go along. Fool! As if.

"Did actually happen. It's quite complicated but basically, Hera showed up early for some party and had to make conversation with the appetizers. After an argument with the Doritos, the other Gods walked in and mocked her. The rest, is a druken haze."

"And Odysseus's long journey home?" asked a girl, quite pretty, but I don't swing downwards when it comes to age.

"Was a metaphor for the establishment for a democratic Athens. Obviously." I said, completing my scholarly talk.

"Dad…" said one of the more attractive blobs. "Did any of this really happen?"

Suddenly, a car crashed right through the roof and landed on some ungrateful kids who were using the library to make photocopies for their "school projects" or other geek lifestyles.

"Shit…" said Poseidon. "I told you replacing the engine with a nuclear reactor wouldn't work!"

"I would have to concur." said Apollo. "I hope that town it dropped in will be okay. Or at least the smoking crater that got left over will be okay."

"It will be." Poseidon assured him. "Or at the very least they'll save on microwaves."

"Does that answer your question?" I asked, watching the jaw droppedness.


End file.
